2. The American Astronaut

Plot synopsis from Netflix: Alternative rock group The Billy Nayer Show stars in this surreal space-Western musical about the adventures of interplanetary trader Samuel Curtis (Cory McAbee). Curtis planet-hops, trading one bizarre creature for another (including the Real Live Girl for The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast), all the while being chased by Professor Hess (Rocco Sisto), a maniac obsessed with apologizing to Curtis and then killing him.

My thoughts: Fucking terrible. I kept hearing how this movie was soooo fn good, so I think "Hey...so many people like it. It can't be THAT bad, can it?" It can. I hate this movie so much that I hope whoever was involved with it at any point gets herpes. The fact that someone at some point thought this was a good idea depresses me. There were so many points at which some person, actor, director, or producer, could have stepped in and said, "Hey guys, this movie makes no sense at all." But they didnt, and for that they should be forced to watch this shit at gunpoint. The only positive in this situation was that I didn't pay money to rent it. On the negative side, I'll never get the 20 minutes I invested in this steaming pile of horse shit back.

Things I Hated: See above. I began to hate humanity after watching this movie. My only hope is that the world ends before a sequel is ever written. The cock to nipples ratio was also horrible in this movie because I felt my mind was being raped whereas no nips were being exposed. Inexcusable.

Best performance: My DVR for skipping around at one point. It was trying to send me a message.

Explosions: One. My head for wondering how shit like this gets made but there's no sequel to Equilibrium.

Morgan Freeman sightings: None. Not even Danny Glover would be in this shit.

Deaths on screen: Whoever was in this movie. Their careers died a little more every moment it was on.

Quotes:
Old Man: Hey. Is it just me, or do my balls itch?
Samuel Curtis: I think it's you.
Old Man: Good. For a minute, I thought my balls itched.
Yes that is an actual quote. Someone wrote that and was given money to make this film. Just think about that.

People Who Would Like This: indie hipsters, elitists, gays, your momma.

Rating: -10/10

(Fuck everyone involved with this movie and fuck Sundance Channel for showing this. You showed A Bittersweet Life, the best movie ever made, on your channel. Then you show this?)